This post will be difficult for me to publish, but here we go anyway. It's good for me.
It's difficult for me to put this out there, because I'm not supposed to feel this way. I shouldn't feel this, but I do.
I get angry.
Simmering just below the surface of my fifteenth cheery, "Don't hit your brother with a baseball bat, please!" churns a cauldron of sticky, viscous, red-hot rage.
It bubbles up when one of the boys hits me in the face with a toy, bites me, pushes a playmate, embarrasses me in public.
I swallow it. Breathe, Melissa. I command myself. I control myself, I manage it, but I do not eradicate it.
It is the result of about three years of subjugating my own wants, needs and basic human rights. It's three years of interrupted sleep, poor nutrition and backbreaking, unending labor. It's three years of feeling like I'm not doing a very good job here, and praying no one notices, but also sort of hoping someone would notice and step in to help me out.
Sometimes, when I am working on no sleep, when tempers are short and fevers are high, when someone is testing limits or working hard towards a major developmental milestone - my control wavers.
I snap at my children. My voice is too harsh, too loud. My hands too rough as I escort someone to time-out or to bed.
Sometimes at 6:30 in the morning, I drop my head into my hands and do not know how we will get through the day.
I'd like to say that it is at these times that a deep, unwavering, powerful, maternal love is what gets me through. But, that's not even close to the truth. What lifts my head is a heavy, gritty, unmovable sense of responsibility.
These two are mine. No one can do this job but me. This was my choice. But, man - sometimes I just get so mad. The two year old inside me stomps her feet and cries out, "This isn't FAIR!" "I want a BREAK!" "Why won't they just leave me ALONE?"
I'd love to sweeten this post up by saying "Then they say 'I love you mama' and all of my anger dissipates" but that's not the truth. The truth is, I just carry on. I just change the diaper, get the snack, negotiate the exchange of toys. The anger simmers down, my voice softens, my hands are gentler, the guilt arrives, but inside - way down deep - it's still there. It's always there.
What I really want to know is, what I am most afraid to ask is: Is it there for anyone else?
Melissa, it's there for every mother & the ones that say they don't feel this way, LIE. I have been friends with you're whole family for years, I know you, even though I have not seen you in years, I know you are kind, & gentle, & intelligent, & compassionate. I don't have to see you with your children to know you are a good mother. I myself have screamed at my poor child, who has ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) to the point my voice is hoarse & my throat hurts once or twice. I am trying so hard to learn to not let it get to that point, to talk things out (yeh mine is 7, she does not always want to hear Mama talk, but then I call my mom, or a friend, or force my poor husband to listen to my ramblings). I will go lock myself in the bathroom with little fingers tapping at the door, "Mama whatcha doin'" "Mama needs a time out!" Anything, & no, it does not always help, it does not go away, like you, it subsides. Only recently have Mike & I had a "date" & OMG, it was so wonderful, just to go out with other adults, albeit, the conversation always turned to children, but it was still wonderful. Take a night off girl, you'd be shocked to see how long the afterglow of adult time can last when you haven't had time to call your own in what seems like a lifetime!
ReplyDeleteR - thank you for the kind words and for your understanding. It means so much to me to know that other moms struggle with this, too. It's so hard. I'll definitely put date night on our to-do list. xo
ReplyDeleteoh yeah - all mamas have this. you are not alone in this. and even though i stay up WAY too late after the babes are in bed enjoying my mama time, you might want to sleep instead of posting at 3:49 a.m.!!!!! you'll feel better!
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely! No one warns you because no one wants to talk about it. We are all supposed to be perfect moms, completely fulfilled by our children.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, when I'm washing Madison's hair, she keeps moving her head. I don't know why, but it's like fingernails on a chalkboard to me. Why can't she just keep her @#$^!% head still?!? My frustration comes out in how i speak to her and frankly how delicately I wash her hair. And then afterward I'm mortified that I got so upset over something so stupid.
You are definitely not alone.
I have noticed this since I had Maeve - how can anyone be this mad at a defenseless six month old? But I have set her in her crib as she screams, and cried myself in helpless rage on the floor for a few minutes. And not just on days that we've slept poorly the night before. It's such a scary feeling and I hate it.
ReplyDeleteErica - I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes these boys don't just push my buttons they hit them with a HAMMER and then afterwards I am left totally astounded at how furious I was over something so silly.
ReplyDeleteMM - Absolutely - that's exactly what I mean - that angry feeling feels so awful and wrong - how can I feel this way towards this defenseless child? But I DO and that's the killer.
I appreciate how open you are about the real emotions and frustrations of parenting! So many momma blogs are so nice and perfect and candy-coated, but you KNOW they are having their bad days and fits of temper, too.
ReplyDeleteFrom what I've read of your blog, you seem to maintain a positive attitude and joy in mothering that shines through, even while looking your frustrations in the face. I respect that.
What an honest post. That took courage. Sending you hugs and calm thoughts -- sorry I don't have any advice, but I feel for you!
ReplyDeleteRootAndTwig-thank you very much. Your comment means the world to me.
ReplyDeleteChristie - Thank you, again for the kind words - your comments always make me feel... umm... happy :)
agree with all the comments..and take it from mother and grandmother.. it is always there..dad says beside staying married to the same person the hardest job anyone has is parenting..you have heard him say "they did not come with a manual" . after a particularly terrible evening with you not sleeping he looked at me and said."never understood how a parent could toss a kid out the window but it takes a night like tonight to at least understand that emotional condition.." buck up takes the bad to appreciate the good..
ReplyDeleteMelissa, it takes a courageous woman to be so honest. I have been there - said some really horrible things to my children out of rage and stress. When Cam was a toddler and Livvy was six months old and my then-husband had decided he didn't want to be married anymore and moved out, Cam would not sleep. One time in the middle of the night I shook him and screamed at him so loudly. Worst night of my life.
ReplyDeleteIt's the dirty little secret that the mommy magazines don't tell you about and we're all afraid to talk about because of what the other mommies may think. But maybe if we were more honest about our feelings, both good and bad, we could support each other instead of this participating in this insane motherhood contest.
Melissa,
ReplyDeleteMy girls are young adults now--26 and 22, but I can totally relate to what you are speaking of. I felt tremendous guilt for realizing that I was a better mother if I didn't stay at home full-time. I needed to work some kind of a job, any kind of a job, not only because we needed the income to survive but because I needed the adult interaction. I have never had loads of patience with children. That is just the way it is. Some people can be with kids all the time and love it. For me, not so much. But, I learned that being away from them, although the dinner hour was stressful, for the most part made the rest of it was much better.
Before my girls started grade school and my oldest daughter was in kindergarten she and I would butt heads in the worst way. One morning she refused to get ready for school and was talking back. I slapped my hand over her mouth in such a way that she got a bloody nose. Now let me preface this by saying that she was like me as a child and very susceptible to nose bleeds out of the blue or from any bump to the nose. I did not intentionally hurt her or hit her hard. It was just the angle of the edge of my hand the way in landed along the top of her mouth and bottom of her nose. Well, I felt guiltier than HELL. Oh, she was fine. The blood stopped quickly and I think she was as surprised as I was at my reaction to her smart mouth.
So, I can totally understand that simmer underneath the surface. We long for children, have them and then realize we aren't a bunch of Polyanna's. Life is full of ups and downs. My girls are fantastic young women. They are smart, ambitious, loving and kind. So, I figure I must have done something right along the way.
Lenore
Oh my goodness - Tonya and Lenore - thank you thank you thank you for your honesty in these comments, I can't tell you what it means to me that you shared your stories. I feel so alone and like I am a horrible mother sometimes - but knowing that you each have had a similar experiences just heals my heart a little. I respect you both as parents so knowing that you struggled too makes me feel like less of a failure. Thank you thank you. xo M
ReplyDeleteoh melissa! YES!! the girl in the first comment had it RIGHT, whoever says they dont feel this way LIE!!! Granted....as they get older they are fewer between...but then they get to that superduper age of teenageness...and you say to yourself....really?? you just did that??? ARE YOU A MORON?!?!?!?! were all these years raising you WASTED??????? LOL, then your 17 year old comes & lays beside you in bed & talks to you about how she feels & your like..ahhh....I did do ok ((((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteSome people don't understand the recent phenomenon that is "mommy blogging," but it's posts like this that validate the need for such an outlet. When I read your blog I find myself nodding in agreement, sighing in relief, welling up at a shared emotion (be it joy, anger or utter fatigue!) THANK YOU!
ReplyDeleteI laughed out loud reading your dad's (?) comment about the window-tossing. Just yesterday I was driving to work, speeding (per usual) to make up for our late departure since Abby refused to do anything without a struggle. For a brief moment, amidst the whining and foot-kicking and sippy-cup throwing, I considered, if only briefly, rolling down the window and unhooking the LATCH system!
I think we all anticipate motherhood with rose-colored glasses. Yes, pregnancy will make us fat ... childbirth will be painful ... sleep loss will be apparent. But the abundance of soft skin and sweet coos and cute clothes and just.plain.baby.love will conquer all, right? WRONG.
What no one talks about, but what you express so honestly here on your blog, is that motherhood is a struggle. It's not easy and it's certainly not pretty. And the kicker? Being a mom is but a mere addition to the roles we've previously assumed: wife, friend, employee, daughter, sibling.
(Polygamists know what they're doing. Sharing duties with a houseful of sister wives; sign me up!)
As everyone else has said, you are NOT alone. Quite the contrary, in fact. I am thankful for the natural kinship of motherhood. They say it takes a village to raise a child. So, in a (virtual) sense, this blog and the greater community of "mommy bloggers" serves that very purpose.
To better days (or hired help),
Sarah
Some people don't understand the recent phenomenon that is "mommy blogging," but it's posts like this that validate the need for such an outlet. When I read your blog I find myself nodding in agreement, sighing in relief, welling up at a shared emotion (be it joy, anger or utter fatigue!) THANK YOU!
ReplyDeleteI laughed out loud reading your dad's (?) comment about the window-tossing. Just yesterday I was driving to work, speeding (per usual) to make up for our late departure since Abby refused to do anything without a struggle. For a brief moment, amidst the whining and foot-kicking and sippy-cup throwing, I considered, if only briefly, rolling down the window and unhooking the LATCH system!
I think we all anticipate motherhood with rose-colored glasses. Yes, pregnancy will make us fat ... childbirth will be painful ... sleep loss will be apparent. But the abundance of soft skin and sweet coos and cute clothes and just.plain.baby.love will conquer all, right? WRONG.
What no one talks about, but what you express so honestly here on your blog, is that motherhood is a struggle. It's not easy and it's certainly not pretty. And the kicker? Being a mom is but a mere addition to the roles we've previously assumed: wife, friend, employee, daughter, sibling.
(Polygamists know what they're doing, sharing duties with a houseful of sister wives. Where do I sign up?)
As everyone else has commented, you are NOT alone. Quite the contrary, in fact. I am thankful for the natural kinship of motherhood. They say it takes a village to raise a child. So, in a (virtual) sense, this blog and the greater community of "mommy bloggers" serves that very purpose.
To better days (or hired help),
Sarah
Sarah - Oh that screaming-from-the-backseat-phenomenon is enough to drive any sane mama absolutely mad. You summed it up beautifully with your comment - the expectation that baby love will conquer it all is such a damaging assumption for new moms. I know it was for me. Thanks so much for the comment - all of these comments, they mean the world to me. xo m
ReplyDelete