Thursday, May 29, 2014

Why I never get anything done

So last weekend I decided to clean up a bit before family arrived at my house for a little Memorial Day BBQ.

I had no grand aspirations. Those days of sterile surfaces and dedicated grout-only toothbrushes are long gone. I simply wanted to stow away all the flotsam and jetsam that covers every available surface, hose off anything sticky, and empty the trash.

The problem with me and cleaning is that I have two children  I never really get anything done. I clean and clean and still the floor is sticky and I step on a Lego and is that cat puke and do people really clean the windows and PRIORITIZE Melissa and perhaps I should put on music and yes you can have a snack and no you may not watch tv.

But, past experiences aside, I gathered up some supplies and attempted to tackle the worst of the messes.

When it came time for mopping I realized I was (of course) out of Swiffer Wet Jet pads.

So I improvised.

Totally MacGyver'd it.

I opened the windows wide to let in the fresh air and was horrified at the state of the windowsills. Dirt and dead bugs and cobwebs.  I couldn't leave them like that - could I? Are other people's windowsills a dirty bug graveyard? How do I even attempt to clean this?

First I went for the sweep-that-shit-outta-here method.

Unfortunately, the dirt gets stuck in the grooves and doesn't really go anywhere.

Next up, I attempted a soapy, bleachy washcloth. 

This made mud in the grooves.
Not really improving the process much. 

A friend suggested using a vacuum next time. 

There may not be a next time. 

Why are you wasting time on the windowsills, Melissa, seriously. Go scrub the toilet and all surfaces within 3 feet of the toilet. Then teach the boys AIM. 

My new favorite cleaning tool is this: 

Lemon Essential Oil - added to my soapy, bleachy, bucket.
Clean ALL the surfaces. 

After MacGyvering the wet jet and failing miserably with the windowsills - I needed a bit of a pick-me-up.

A healthy, low-fat snack ought to do the trick. Celery sticks perhaps? 

Insert slab of banana bread. 

While I am in the kitchen I note that we are out of muffins - and rather than face the 6:00am wrath of two muffinless children... 

What cleaning? There's plenty of time. 

While knee deep in muffin batter I note the bean sprouts that the wee one brought home from school and that I promised to plant in my garden. Might as well go throw them in the ground before I get back to cleaning. It'll only take a second ... 

I will kill these, as I kill all photosynthetic life forms. 

On my way outside to plant beans I note the porch - still in winter mode - and filthy.  This must be remedied post-haste as  it is likely our guests will sit out here during today's BBQ. 

Sort and store - attic, goodwill, trash 

The porch is insanely dirty. I sweep and scrub an entire spring's worth of pollen which is layered on an entire winter's worth of sand, salt and cobwebs.

Where was I? The muffins are beeping.

I am up to my elbows in dirt, planting those damn bean sprouts when my guests arrive. 

"Oh. Hi." 

I have not showered, nor really "dressed," nor finished all the cleaning I had hoped to accomplish prior to their arrival. 

Party preperation? Oh dear God, no.  

I force my family to prep their own lunch while I slip (unshowered) into something not covered in bleach stains and dust. 

And this is why my house looks the way it does. 

Sangria, anyone?