Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Hanging in.

I gotta admit, today I'm feeling a little bit better.

The boys and I were able to play outside today without all the layers. Sure we still need lots of layers, but even skipping one makes a big difference to this mama.

It was warm enough to skip the epic battle over mittens for the wee one.

The wee one seemed to think it was warm enough to start thinking about golfing season, and I wasn't about to correct him.

Cute, ain't he?

The big boy, on the other hand, is still entrenched in hockey season - although he did follow his brother's lead and whack around a golf ball with his stick for awhile.

How long before I catch a golf ball travelling at 35 mph
to the side of the head do you think?

The biggest bummer of the day was forgetting to take shoes off at the door when dashing in to change a poopy diaper. Muddy shoes + off white carpet = irritated mama. But luckily, it wasn't anything a quick pass with the vacuum couldn't fix.


Last week I had a lot of mommy guilt, my behavior was not stellar, and sometimes catching myself in the middle of losing my temper with the kids is enough to snap me back to reality. That screaming, out of control mama is not who I want to be.

One day last week the big boy told me in no uncertain terms, "I want daddy. I want mama to go to work. I want daddy to stay home." Ouch. I tried to ignore it, but it struck a nerve.  Eventually, when he kept pushing it, I lost my temper. Yelled at him, made him cry. Guilt-ridden, I talked the whole thing over with my sister who helped me to realize that his request for his daddy made me feel like he was finally confirming my suspicion that I am, indeed, a bad mother.

Today, armed with that nugget of insight, when he again asked for his daddy - we called him on the phone. Sure, "I want daddy" still stings a little - but I can take it - I'm the mama.

The learning curve. I hate, hate, making mistakes when it comes to the kids. I should never yell at him - I feel so ashamed when I lose my temper. But, I'm learning. I am human. I make mistakes, and then I try to do better.

Today we did a little bit better. Sure, there were moments when I still felt frustrated and exhausted - but I'll take it. Progress, not perfection.


  1. Aren't sisters the best? I, too, often fear that I'm a less-than-stellar mama to my little, but like you say, each day we can do s little bit better!

  2. good for sista..she often has great insight..STOP BEING SO HARD ON YOURSELF. yes that is your mother yelling at you..you are a great mom and your boys are awesome..soon he will learn that dad is tough and will come to you for help and all your worries are for nothing..FYI my project is done and ready for you

  3. I was in Chapters the other day and walked past a parenting book entitled:
    "I'm okay. You're a brat." and it made me look twice. The book (which I didn't buy) was about this feeling parents get that it's all about their own behavior- we feel so guilty- when really the kids are the ones misbehaving and in need of discipline. It's just a comical book, I'm sure, but it does make you think! Of course we're going to get angry when our kids are being obnoxious and doing things they shouldn't. We shouldn't yell- it's true. But I think anger, when our kids disobey, is natural and useful. It's an emotion that moves us to guide and correct them, and we should not feel guilty about it. It's an emotion that comes because we really love them and care how they act, for their own good. If we weren't angered by their worst behavior, I'd say we were hard-hearted- not caring how they turn out.
    Just a little worthless rant on my part- sorry!
    I just wanted you to feel uplifted-- you are a GOOD mama! Your boys love you!

  4. I hate those moments as well. I hate looking back on those moments and remembering the look on my boys' faces as I was losing it "at them". You know what I do, and have always done when that happens? I apologize. Even when they were too young to understand what I was really saying, I still did it. It didn't make it okay that I had screamed, but it made me feel a little better. My boys are 9 and 6 now, and (surprise, surprise) I still yell, I still have my moments of insanity that are completely dreadful...I still apologize. As much as a lot of the 'mommy' blogs that are out there make being a mom sound so wonderful and pretty and happy all the time, I'm ever-so-thankful that you are willing to confirm that I'm not that different from someone else. There's a blog that I read, and for a while, it actually depressed me to read it, even though it was completely happy, beautiful writing. I thought "Holy crap, doesn't this womans' kids EVER misbehave? Don't they ever yell?" I'm thankful that you are willing to share this with all of us, it makes me feel better. Keep you chin up, girl. Spring is on the way, and all of that sunshine and Vitamin D will help us all out!

  5. Thank you all so much for your comments. I put the truth out there, but I am still scared that people won't understand - that everyone will think I really am a bad mother. Having you fine ladies offer understanding really boosts me up. Thank you, thank you.

  6. Oh, you poor love! Have a huge hug from here. x