Sunday, June 8, 2014


Things I learned at Hampton Beach today:

My self esteem is directly proportional to the bodies of the other women in my field of view. I can go from emotional devastation to euphorically average with a single head swivel.  

Fringe on bathing suits is apparently a thing now. To me this seems unpleasantly... Drippy. 

Pregnant women are the most beautiful women on the beach. No cover ups required - you glorious goddesses you. 

There are a lot of tattoos out there. 
 Some are art, some are trendy, some are strangely blurry. 
Many are illegible due to overly scripty font. (Does that say Family or Fatality?)
People put tattoos everywhere. Including places I would never consider tattoo-able - yet there they are (armpit?).

Though all children are different, every single child at the beach ends up with a saggy bum bathing suit. Plumber's crack, the great unifier.

I am eternally grateful to every old man who pulls his swim trunks up too high, and to the wife who allows this. Carry on.

Ladies: though I am fully supportive of padded bathing suit tops, please buy a suit that fits. The bra cup of your suit should not hover 4 feet away from your boob, looking like it's accepting donations for the homeless. 

Gentleman: though I do indeed appreciate your sculpted biceps and abs, please return to the gym and do 1,000 calf raises, then 1,000 squats.  My 4 year old son has better quads. 

I don't actually like the ocean. No matter what anyone tells you - it's friggen cold, and full of fish, sharks, crabs and other touchy, bitey things. 

The only acceptable display of affection at the beach is hand holding. Even a hug is far too intimate for general viewing when both parties are nearly naked. 

A Brazilian cut bathing suit requires a Brazilian wax. No substitutions, please. Also, I think this type of bathing suit is best worn by Brazilian women only. 

A woman can have a thigh gap and cellulite. Shocking, I know. My apologies for staring, but it was like seeing Santa Claus or Bigfoot. How is this possible?

It is extraordinarily difficult to maintain a goth persona while at the beach. Despite long black hair, pallor, and black swim trunks - the application of sunscreen just can never be angst-y. 

Here's to a sunny, sandy summer.


  1. agree with you on all aspects of the day at the beach..not a beach person so don't spend alot of time but have had the great "pleasure "of observing the sights while not participating in the life style at the nude beach in st. marteen ..some sights should never see the light of day ha ha..loved the blog and agree with auntie ..that is one epic pic with a good looking beach dude ..