I'm not sure if I'm quite ready for this
The preschool we have chosen is wonderful. Won.Der.Ful.
With their support and encouragement, my boy is going to blossom.
I just know it.
Then why on Earth am I nervous and weepy?
It's happening.
That "time flies" thing everyone warns you about.
"It goes by so fast." they say, and I smile politely and think:
Fast? You call this fast? I am exhausted, and irritable. That stain on my pants is boogers (not mine). Someone has a poop. Neither one has eaten a vegetable in a month, and if they push each other again, my head is going to explode.
But politely I agree and say, "I know, I can't believe how big they're getting already."
And then suddenly, in a church basement - listening to a group of amazing teachers tell me how they will work with my boy, I feel a sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach.
Too fast.
Too fast.
It's all happening too fast.
The world, and all it's scariness, seems to be pressing down from above. And try as I might - I can't effectively shield him anymore.
He has so much to learn, and I can't learn it for him.
For the most part, I can't even be involved.
Let go. Let go. Let go.
Let go? How? That's my baby.
How to let him have experiences without me there to guide, to witness?
And so it begins.
This is his life, not mine.
Him. A separate entity from me.
Someday - sturdy, strong and free.
For now though, it begins, and he is small and fragile and new.
But I have to send him off anyway.
Let go of his hand.
The hand I've been holding his entire life.
The hand I am so accustomed to.
The hand I am so deeply responsible for.
How on Earth am I to let go of his hand?
with the grace of god..that life was never yours you were there to guide and protect it..jay and you have done a great job and given him the tools now you can sit back and watch him flower into the great kid i know he will be love you mom
ReplyDeleteScary, yes. But watching my 8 year old grow into this smart, independent, talented little man is the most beautiful thing i never could have imagined. It's great in a whole other way! How exciting...preschool they make friends and bring home songs they learned :) and you still have many years of them at home.
ReplyDeleteJessica, CA
You can let go of the hand, but never the heart. I remember these days well. Book to suggest for both of you.. "Oh My Baby, Little One". It's a tearjerker but a sweet one. I had to read it again to Tyler last night. He just started 4th grade and I remember these feelings. Uh...they get easier...a bit:)
ReplyDeleteI felt kind of the same at the beginning of last year but I LOVE the whole school thing. I love spending time with his class (parent help), mingling before and after school and seeing him play with friends that he made all by himself. PLaydates with friends that he chose, not that I chose for him. I love and am constantly astounded by the stuff he knows...general knowledge stuff that he is teaching me. I love his excited stories about what happened at school, what so-and-so did on the their weekend, what the teacher said.
ReplyDeleteAnd I love the time spent with my littlest one. She had never had 'just mummy and me' time before and now we get to go out just the 2 of us which always feels like a bit of a date, hang at home and THERE'S NO FIGHTING!!, we just get to be together. And she has thrived from it.
So what I'm saying is...good for big one, good for little one, good for mummy-the-referee, good for mummy-the-proud (other people get to see how wonderfully adorable your boy is!! And the teachers DO see the quiet shy ones...they welcome their company much of the time amongst all the crazy noisy 4-5year olds!!) and well, still scary a bit but mostly good.
Good luck and I hope he loves it and you survive!
I'll be thinking of you today. My "baby" started high school this morning. The house seems very quiet this morning!
ReplyDelete