Working

Do you ever take a look around at your life and wonder: what exactly am I doing here?

I am a stay-at-home mom.

No, I do not dress us in matching outfits - this was a coincidence.
PS - grey sweatpants are totally sweet.

I also work part-time as a nurse. I've worked in labor and delivery for over five years. Five years. That's the longest I've ever done anything.  I should be great at it by now, wouldn't you think? The thing is, since the wee one's arrival, I only work a little. Once a week - sometimes less, and so I'm losing that body-mind-gut-hands thing that nurses have - you know, reaching for the pink bucket before the patient even realizes she's gonna vomit. I have to think about what I'm doing, whereas three years ago, it was all second nature - my hands working usually before a thought had time to completely form.

Upside down book.

Now, I have that mind-body-gut-hands thing going with my kids. I  know what they want or need, often before they do. I can tell when they're getting sick, hungry or tired. I can soothe, distract or discipline as needed without really thinking about it. I can deftly switch gears to avoid a tantrum, without even realizing consciously what I'm doing.

Brothers.

But it bothers me, this career-on-the-side, thing I'm doing.  There's a fine balance to it, and right now, I'm tipped toward the kids. But I can't help but wonder, what am I going to do with myself when they get to kindergarten? First grade? High school? I can never get these years back - if I try to reenter the workforce full time five years from now, will all the new graduates be smarter than me? Will I be able to get that nursing-sixth-sense back?

New haircut.

I want my boys to be proud of me. And for some reason, I feel like I have to be successful at "work" in order for them to respect me.  Is that even true? I don't know, but it's how I feel.

Right now I'm trying to take on a little more in the work department, and it's going to take some juggling and balancing, and I hope that I can give some of myself to my work and still have enough to give my two boys what they need.  I feel pulled in two directions at once, and although I'm making the best choices I can, I know that if I overextend myself, we all suffer. 

My mind-heart-gut tells me to go ahead and stretch a little, it's good for me. I have to trust that I'll be able to recognize if things get out of balance. I have to trust that I'll be able to pull back if I need to.  Unfortunately, I'm not really trustworthy in that department, I'll push myself too far, afraid to disappoint anyone, unable to accept that I can't do it all.

It's hard to measure success by your own standards, but that's what I want my boys to do for themselves, so I better figure it out.  You know - in the end - they'll probably be the ones to teach me how to get it right. That's always the way.